Love - I

   Will restrict this discussion to the interaction between adult humans for the sake of linearity. The remaining variations will be factored in in the coming write-ups.

   Its complicated by its simplicity. Its just that we see it in its many variations, and are often led on by its not difficult to mistake diminutive cousins, lust, infatuation, and my favourite, misunderstanding. If you're getting the drift here, all these are our reactions to external stimuli.

   Lust is driven by one or more physical sense and when that is superimposed over the primal drive to mate, leads to a very strong mix, heavily supported by chemical impetus, easily mistaken for love due to the similar initial. But its akin to mistaking a room cooler for an industrial size air conditioner. The first blow of air may seem like heaven from either to a sweating person, but with the cooler, a half hour later you're only slightly better, and your room is not even that, having become a humid mess. Infatuation is lust's lame, impotent cousin.

   Misunderstanding is worth elaboration however. While lust stems primarily from physical appearance of the subject aided sometimes by body language, misunderstanding almost always stems from verbal and non verbal cues, leads to a misplaced or premature notion of initiation or reciprocity from the subject, thus acting as a catalyst for one's own emotional reactions and advances, thereby leading to an untimely demise of the entire 'relationshipling', if I may call it that.
Like the earlier three, love in its unadulterated form is a reaction, but unlike them, not to any single sense but a combination of them all. Throw in a sixth if I dare. And when that happens the value of the result is greater than the sum or even product of the individual components. No credit due to the gestalt school of thought, since I learnt the word after I penned the concept. All that is required for an explosion is reciprocation.
   
The beginnings physically are similar to the earlier phenomenon - the chemical reactions resulting from the brain celebrating having identified a suitable mate to propogate the species. The dilation of the pupils, the activation of the sweat glands, the elevated heart beat, the sinking feeling in the stomach , the works. If you're lucky and the relationship progresses beyond this point, you need to be prepared for the tough part.. Come the 2 year mark, the chemicals which autopilot the interaction so far have normally achieved their objective, and are willing to be spilled for the next viable mating candidate. You are left with manual steering, stick gear shift, and a shattered windshield, so even a nominal speed means the wind and sand blind you. Also the brakes seem to be rigged with explosive - every time you try to slow down, BOOM! Some functionality or progress is lost.

   The obvious question that comes to mind is, why slow down? Well, its because the basic purpose of the engagement has been served, and the question in everyone's head is 'now what?' That's where the difference between love and its cousins comes in. Love doesn't end at mating. It involves a much more complex intertwining of lives and fates. Its about support in times of need, some one to brag to when you succeed, shoulder to cry on when you fail, someone to share vacations with, someone to bring your kids up with, someone to reinstate your faith in yourself when the world thinks you're a douche, in short someone to share life with. Sounds good. Hunky Dory even. What's the problem then? Why the heart burn and the conflict and the hesitation to commit even when you know that the person in front of you is fit to share your life with?


   As mentioned, love is a mutually beneficial unwritten social contract we seek to enter with a person we judge suitable. Admission of love by extension is a declaration of handing power over yourself to another person. And that is the little bone that can choke the bravest, most dreamy of people. Granting someone non trivial control of your life is the trade off for all goodies listed above.

So its just that really, the good ol' pro and con. You willing to compromise a serious amount of freedom for a promised friend and companion, love is for you. Else steer clear... The price is clearly printed on the ticket- you want an exclusive deal, you'll have to give an exclusive deal... You'll be surprised how many go for the first option. I always am. Coming up next, other forms of love...

Chance

Our dear man here
Wipes his tears and cries
Choking on sadness
Boiling with rage
Cradling the lifeless
Body of his only child
He cannot believe how
He was shortchanged by fate.

Eyes to the heavens
He begged for a chance
A chance to do it different,
One chance to make it right.
Do what he couldn't
Get straight the very first time
Any price he was willing to pay
Any commandment he would disobey

Hell would have a new meaning
Torture would find another name
As a simpleton of an angel,
Decided to play this little game
Careful what you wish they say,
But right or wrong be damned
The kid would live to see another day
Our dear man rejoiced.

He woke up once, he woke up twice
very same day, the very same vice
Brand new resolve, brand new device
Ran forth to confront the demons
Sure it would work out this time
But overcome he couldn't
And the circumstances ensured
his poor child was taken everytime

this morning when he woke up
And put a gun to his head
The angel appeared in panic
And said "my child, what the hell?"
I broke all laws and pulled a favour
To help you make it right
But you failed on time and time again
And now this bullet is your respite?

Kind angel, you did what you could
I'm indeed indebted for life.
But watching my child die over and over
Has killed me from inside
Our dear man said with a wry smile
As he put an end to the morbid jest
You gave me many a chance to make it all right,
But you forgot to make me forget.

Education

It hit me recently. I'm 28 and I have  something like 5 years of work experience. Considering I remember pretty much as many major things and events from the third year of my life, as I do from the year before last, and I could walk way before the first set of memories, I could have made myself useful long back. So what was I doing for 20 years or more than two thirds of my life ?

Getting educated, that's what. Initially coming to par with the cumulative learning of mankind since the stone age, later being brought uptodate with the cumulative learning of humanity in a specific field 'of my choice'.

I don't know about you, but I feel cheated. The human body physically peaks at like 21. What was I doing ? Had just finished my first round of education. Life had pretty much passed me by while I was being 'educated' in my protected little shell. And the regret is in spite of the feeling that I got pretty much everything I could, intellectually, out of the system. I know plenty who aren't as lucky.

To bring some balance to the paradigm, let me clarify, I really value the world view and understanding I have as a result of education.

Somehow I think the education system has been designed with a hundred year life span in mind. Most of us lead a useful life probably till sixty five. There are always exceptions, but that is a different discussion.

Working with the same percentage, the education needs to be crunched into 12 years, instead of 18. Masters of course may take a year and a half, when appropriate. The rubber needs to meet the road a lot earlier in life.
Innocence is overrated. We need to make the learning curve steeper. And trim the fat from the syllabus. Every thing superfluous needs to be on a 'want to know' basis, to be learnt on your own time, if that's what you'd rather be doing.

I appreciate the American model in this respect. There is a concept of a summer job, where one does a little work, makes a little money. Any one with an entrepreneurial mind set is likely to find their inspiration early in life when the price of failure is practically nil. Young people get a lot more time and perspective to allow them to decide what their calling in life is. That is why American universities produce fewer drones by percentage (excluding the indian population of choose) than Indian universities.We typically keep running down the path of least resistance, the lucky ones till they die, the unlucky ones, till they hit a wall.

Incidentally indians spend their summers playing cricket, reading or doing their summer homework, depending on what combination of parental and educational setup they're in.

And while we're at it making lives more productive, we should pull in the driving age limit as well. There is a test for the license, not like marriage where coming to a certain age automatically makes you eligible to get married.  So if a 10 year old boy can drive better than a 40 year woman, he should be allowed to. They do it anyway. I think the only logic behind the 18 year rule is that it eliminates the section from the rule book, about what to do when a kid breaks a traffic rule.

What say ?

Rage against

Rage against the machine,
Is what I think I feel.
Want to take it apart,
Gear from greasy gear.
Smash in the face,
Kick in the balls,
Of those who feel
Fit to judge me.

Can't remember a free existence,
Believe I am dependent.
On this setup which is
Anything but symbiotic.
Renounced self respect,
Sacrificed dignity,
Traded in pride,
To partake of this derisory lie.

Have been embedded,
so deep into the entrails,
Every breath laced
With poison fumes.
All that is left now,
Are canned dreams,
A pale, mocking shadow,
Of what might have been.

What have I become ?

Rage against the machine,
Is what I think I feel.
Want to take it apart,
Gear from greasy gear.
Take a step back,
Take a deep breath,
Want to start the slaughter,
But now it all makes sense.

The machine sucks hard,
But wasn't I the one,
Who tried and broke in?
I now know the rage,
Is rage against myself.
Because everyone can hear,
In spite of the noise.
And like it or not,
Every one has a choice.

Destiny II

Let me tell you a story about destiny. 
It started off really weird. Just your regular day. Early rise. Long run to clear the damn head. Silly breakfast before eat fast eat. Last meal for 24  hours. Was headed out to catch the drop to work when it happened. Saw a door to my right I'd never seen before. Weird. The cab driver was honking like his pension depended on it. But I had to take a minute to figure out this door. Never saw it, really?

Well curiosity killed the cat. But given my life, I take my chances. Too dark to see anything, so I walked in. Just the one step. Because then I fell. For just about as long as I'd lived. Or so it felt. Landed in a glass capsule. With a  15 person audience. In weird clothes. Minimal but uber stylish. Like we had got over our stupid hangups, and clothes we're just covering as much as they should.

And they got to business immediately. I was pulled out and stood up. And told it was all a big mistake. The portal had appeared due to a technical glitch. I must head back.

Will do, I say, but at least tell me what the hell is happening. Alrightey then. They start.

It is the same world, same place. But it is post apocalyptic. We've learnt to value our resources and human life. So as a prophet had advised, everyone was subject to a coming of age ritual, if we may call it so.

At the opportune moment, you would be shown your future, your destiny, to enable you to work with the destiny in mind. What better way  to motivate an action than a guaranteed outcome. You would power past the little glitches, and get up everytime you fell. Everyone would hence be able to achieve greatness and the world would achieve greatness as a result of the cumulative greatness.

There was a catch as always. The futures were previewed. The ones which were judged to be unfavorable, were rooted out of the time line. The owners of the unsightly future were banished to a parallel setup, on a different planet. Wiped from every memory, and their own memory replaced with a convenient backstory. It was self sustaining, and kept out the under achievers.

It became evident to me which lot I'd been in.

Then I was apologized to. Saying it was a rather unfortunate phase in the history of the world. But what was done was done and had to be left that way. So I must head back.

It was all a dream as far as I was concerned, so, that I had been discarded by society at large didn't bother me too much. But why a seemingly fabulous plan didn't really pan out as expected was bothering me.

It turns out that the promise of a bright future makes as many people complacent as it makes hard working. And even in the lot who are hard working, there is a predetermined cap on what they can achieve, since the targets are already set. No reaching for the stars. All in all, the world of outcastes was doing as well if not better. And as the inevitable happened and the secrecy around the promised future deal wore off, a huge public uproar ousted the men in charge, and things went back to normal...

So much for that eh ?

Well I was promptly shipped back, memory intact and found myself mid step walking towards the cab. I stumbled, but caught my step again, and took my regular place in the cab.

Hey, just because I'm free to reach for the stars, doesn't mean I have to.

2.. Rebirth

As I plummet through the never,

A feeling dawns upon me,

That I've been plummeting,

Forever towards the sea.

Yet the dark waters below

Are as far as they could ever be.

And so is the Cliff of Baph,

I'd been on a second ago.

A second did I say?

Well I wouldn't really know.

Does it really matter when,

You only have a few more to go.

I begin to wonder, is this the afterlife?

Or have my wings come alive,

As I had hoped they wouldn't do.

But they hang limp,

Hanging down from my back,

Weighing me down into the depths,

Taking me where I wish to go.

Its feels like its forever,

But the wind is strong in my hair,

I am still falling.

It can't go on for ever like this.

I break into a smile as I see,

The wall of rock below,

It’s far a better death,

Than begging for air,

And finding nowhere to go.

Its feels like its forever,

But now spray is in my face,

And I am still falling,

But the end must be near.

Not wishing for mother,

That’s only for the birds.

I crash through the rock,

Into the bosom of the earth.

My descent is now painful,

As igneous edges rip through flesh.

But none of it can surpass the,

Conflict in my head!!!!

What in the name of the devil,

Is happening to me?

After what seems like days,

My descent finally ends.

In the fiery depths of earth

Where there is no night or day.

Mother didn't come in time,

But in my father's arms I lay.

As he set me down, onto the lava,

He said "Fear not my child,

For you live once again.”

And as I look deep,

Into those crimson eyes,

Hurtling back come memories,

Of lives I’d trodden by.

Of all kingdoms taken,

Of the blood I'd spilled,

Of all the years in limbo,

And the last time I’d been killed.

Slain by deceit in battle,

For the kingdom of the sun,

Treachery for victory,

The wretched, vicious scum.

As the anger rushes back in,

Riding on the memory of deceit.

I feel myself take control,

Of the body that lay around me.

The bundle of muscle, and blood,

So useless without me.

The deadliest of weapons,

When I’m master.

The thought invigorating,

Making me go faster.

The brain starts buzzing,

The heart starts beating,

Pumping the life blood.

And as it starts to flood

Every nerve and vein.

My senses come alive,

I can see and feel again.

The strong black wings flap back to life,

And I cease to feel all pain.

I rise to my feet easily,

Aided by my wings.

Feel the strength in my arms,

Blood gushing through my veins.

I throw my head back,

Let out a mighty roar.

Be warned filthy angels,

I live again, I have returned.

1..That's only for the birds

Early Dawn I sit up,

With a start, breathing hard

And sweat upon my brow.

Dreadful nightmare,

But it is over now.

What it was,

I'll never quite know.

Even the birds are still sleeping,

And the wind is still cool.

I just wish this would stop

Being my waking ritual.

Jump out of bed.

Turn around to set the pillows.

And that's when I see it,

Blood. It is all over.

Where did it come from??

My clothes look clean.

Catch a glimpse in the mirror,

And I hear myself scream.

My back is soaked,

Not with sweat, but with blood.

Nothing new, but still a shock.

I wake every day,

Hoping yesterday was only a nightmare

I just wish this would stop

Being my morning ritual.

Take control again,

Wash my sheets clean.

Settle down with my iron file,

And see through the daily scene.

Clear the bathroom floor

Of the blood and dense feathers.

Oh God the pain........

But I can't have any one see this.

What would become of mother?

Out to the street I drag myself.

For a drag of the balmy air.

Out into the thin crowds I head,

Unwelcoming though they are.

"Monster" they call me,

But what they don't know is

How bloody right they all are.

My back hurts something wicked today.

Must be the lash from yesterday.

Don't know don't care,

I just pray it stops.

Stop, it won’t, that much I know.

Don't know why, but I'm so sure.

A few hours later it happens,

My shoulder blades explode.

Screams, not mine, are all I hear

Before pass out from the pain.

I wake up sprawled upon

The empty street,

No one in sight for a mile.

Then I see them crowded

Around the corners, still in shock

At all the blood and gore.

"What happened" I ask

My self I think,

That's when I feel them,

Limp behind me, caressing my back,

Crimson stained raven wings.

I run down the street,

But it is a little while,

Before I get far enough,

For the screams of 'Monster'

To fade into oblivion.

In an abandoned cottage,

I weep myself to sleep.

Why me? Oh God Why me?

I am but fifteen...

Walk up a cliff and,

Look around, at the nests,

Birds and their summer song.

A little one takes off,

And falters , but its ok,

Mother dear is not far away.

It is guided back to safety,

To the nest and back to life.

I look down upon the ocean.

Black waves turn to foam,

Skeletal fingers beckoning me,

Welcoming me into its depths.

The wind is cool on my face,

And I know my time has come.

The pain of mind and body will

Kill me soon enough.

So there and then I make my choice,

To end it on my terms

Once my mind is made up,

I submit readily to fate,

Spread my wings and take the plunge

The world passes by in a daze.

As I plummet through the darkness,

For my wings can't take my weight,

I wonder if mother will come.

“No” I tell my self.

"That's only for the birds."