2.. Rebirth

As I plummet through the never,

A feeling dawns upon me,

That I've been plummeting,

Forever towards the sea.

Yet the dark waters below

Are as far as they could ever be.

And so is the Cliff of Baph,

I'd been on a second ago.

A second did I say?

Well I wouldn't really know.

Does it really matter when,

You only have a few more to go.

I begin to wonder, is this the afterlife?

Or have my wings come alive,

As I had hoped they wouldn't do.

But they hang limp,

Hanging down from my back,

Weighing me down into the depths,

Taking me where I wish to go.

Its feels like its forever,

But the wind is strong in my hair,

I am still falling.

It can't go on for ever like this.

I break into a smile as I see,

The wall of rock below,

It’s far a better death,

Than begging for air,

And finding nowhere to go.

Its feels like its forever,

But now spray is in my face,

And I am still falling,

But the end must be near.

Not wishing for mother,

That’s only for the birds.

I crash through the rock,

Into the bosom of the earth.

My descent is now painful,

As igneous edges rip through flesh.

But none of it can surpass the,

Conflict in my head!!!!

What in the name of the devil,

Is happening to me?

After what seems like days,

My descent finally ends.

In the fiery depths of earth

Where there is no night or day.

Mother didn't come in time,

But in my father's arms I lay.

As he set me down, onto the lava,

He said "Fear not my child,

For you live once again.”

And as I look deep,

Into those crimson eyes,

Hurtling back come memories,

Of lives I’d trodden by.

Of all kingdoms taken,

Of the blood I'd spilled,

Of all the years in limbo,

And the last time I’d been killed.

Slain by deceit in battle,

For the kingdom of the sun,

Treachery for victory,

The wretched, vicious scum.

As the anger rushes back in,

Riding on the memory of deceit.

I feel myself take control,

Of the body that lay around me.

The bundle of muscle, and blood,

So useless without me.

The deadliest of weapons,

When I’m master.

The thought invigorating,

Making me go faster.

The brain starts buzzing,

The heart starts beating,

Pumping the life blood.

And as it starts to flood

Every nerve and vein.

My senses come alive,

I can see and feel again.

The strong black wings flap back to life,

And I cease to feel all pain.

I rise to my feet easily,

Aided by my wings.

Feel the strength in my arms,

Blood gushing through my veins.

I throw my head back,

Let out a mighty roar.

Be warned filthy angels,

I live again, I have returned.

1..That's only for the birds

Early Dawn I sit up,

With a start, breathing hard

And sweat upon my brow.

Dreadful nightmare,

But it is over now.

What it was,

I'll never quite know.

Even the birds are still sleeping,

And the wind is still cool.

I just wish this would stop

Being my waking ritual.

Jump out of bed.

Turn around to set the pillows.

And that's when I see it,

Blood. It is all over.

Where did it come from??

My clothes look clean.

Catch a glimpse in the mirror,

And I hear myself scream.

My back is soaked,

Not with sweat, but with blood.

Nothing new, but still a shock.

I wake every day,

Hoping yesterday was only a nightmare

I just wish this would stop

Being my morning ritual.

Take control again,

Wash my sheets clean.

Settle down with my iron file,

And see through the daily scene.

Clear the bathroom floor

Of the blood and dense feathers.

Oh God the pain........

But I can't have any one see this.

What would become of mother?

Out to the street I drag myself.

For a drag of the balmy air.

Out into the thin crowds I head,

Unwelcoming though they are.

"Monster" they call me,

But what they don't know is

How bloody right they all are.

My back hurts something wicked today.

Must be the lash from yesterday.

Don't know don't care,

I just pray it stops.

Stop, it won’t, that much I know.

Don't know why, but I'm so sure.

A few hours later it happens,

My shoulder blades explode.

Screams, not mine, are all I hear

Before pass out from the pain.

I wake up sprawled upon

The empty street,

No one in sight for a mile.

Then I see them crowded

Around the corners, still in shock

At all the blood and gore.

"What happened" I ask

My self I think,

That's when I feel them,

Limp behind me, caressing my back,

Crimson stained raven wings.

I run down the street,

But it is a little while,

Before I get far enough,

For the screams of 'Monster'

To fade into oblivion.

In an abandoned cottage,

I weep myself to sleep.

Why me? Oh God Why me?

I am but fifteen...

Walk up a cliff and,

Look around, at the nests,

Birds and their summer song.

A little one takes off,

And falters , but its ok,

Mother dear is not far away.

It is guided back to safety,

To the nest and back to life.

I look down upon the ocean.

Black waves turn to foam,

Skeletal fingers beckoning me,

Welcoming me into its depths.

The wind is cool on my face,

And I know my time has come.

The pain of mind and body will

Kill me soon enough.

So there and then I make my choice,

To end it on my terms

Once my mind is made up,

I submit readily to fate,

Spread my wings and take the plunge

The world passes by in a daze.

As I plummet through the darkness,

For my wings can't take my weight,

I wonder if mother will come.

“No” I tell my self.

"That's only for the birds."

Cherophobia

It works differently for everyone. For some it is the fear of the dark, for some the fear of light. For some it is ghosts, demons or generally the unknown. Some of us are afraid of the water, heights, women, foreigners, a variety of animals, obscure objects, a lot of foods, hell, even the air. You name it, and there is someone it scares shitless. There is no real logic or pattern to it. I may be terrified of sourness or mirrors or spiders or opinions, and there's nothing I can do to explain the 'why' to you. Especially because even for the lucky(?) few whose phobia stems from a real event in this lifetime, the brain invariably erases the traumatic memory to help maintain sanity (so at least the stimulus is external and avoidable, otherwise half the population would generally be restive, on edge and jumpy if not cowering under the table and screaming hysterically). Since there is normally no logic or pattern, I cannot help you understand what makes something throw all the wrong switches in my head and I cannot hope to understand why something seemingly benign to me does the same to you.

But the complete lack of a pattern is a pattern, though not in the obvious sense. To say there is no pattern, would mean there is no way to tell if a phenomenon is a manifestation of or a point on the pattern. Thus something that lies outside the pattern helps define the pattern. This distinction is provided in the definition of phobia itself. One word -irrational. So anything that is a rational fear is not a phobia. Which brings us to the definition of rational - based on or in accordance with reason or logic.

How do we define logical in the context of human behavior? Complicated, since everyone is unique and if left to their devices, everyone would have their own reaction to every situation, and in case of a seemingly similar reaction, the reason behind the reaction may not be. So we have to delve deeper, to the very driver of every single human action, inaction or reaction. I believe it is the pursuit of happiness.

Let me justify. It explains all our actions, inactions and reactions. I shall not go too deep into the definition of happiness, since that is another discussion in itself.  The general understanding of happiness we have, will suffice for now. For normal people, or in normal parts of peoples' lives, day to day actions at large e.g. going to work, school, doing household chores etc are all attempts at happiness in the future, with varying turnaround times. Work brings money, which brings material essentials and luxuries within reach (turnaround time generally 1 month). School allows us to work (Tat 12 to 20 year). Chores allow us to administer the stuff money buys (Tat 1 to 6 hours). These also contribute to other forms or stimuli for happiness such as a sense of purpose, being better than your neighbor or siblings, approval, guilt avoidance, a feeling of security etc.

The more specific actions work towards similar goals, though possibly, in less obvious ways. Dodging death is done to avoid the associated pain and to be around to be happy. Heck, even sex, a critical function, to propagate the species had to be designed to be pleasurable, else we ran the risk of extinction. I think the point has been made, and we can get back to the core of the discussion. The driving force behind every human action tends to be the pursuit of happiness. So logical and hence rational action in human terms is anything that is meant to lead to happiness.

Coming back to the original point, the pattern. The rational fear. Logically the only rational fear is that of being unhappy. But fear of unhappiness can only be, when we're happy. So happiness is the root cause of our greatest fear. Never happy, never afraid of being unhappy. It is bulletproof. This must lead to a fear of happiness or cherophobia (if I may), since something that causes you to fear something else, cannot be desirable (hence cherophobia is not really a phobia, since it is not irrational, but a universal human fear, but that is not the point of the discussion).

But being unhappy all the time is not really an option. It would drive the vast majority mad. From where I see it, the only way out is complete indifference. Or permanent happiness.

Familiar? Karmanye vadhikarastye... (read up if you care) and on the other hand the promise of eternal happiness. Religion strikes again. Right at our deepest fear.